


You can't erase Yourself

by samstoleaburger



Category: Afraid of Monsters & Cry of Fear
Genre: Canon Disabled Character, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Ghosts, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Post-Cry of Fear, Psychological Horror, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-10
Updated: 2016-07-10
Packaged: 2018-07-22 16:29:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7445995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samstoleaburger/pseuds/samstoleaburger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I'm get...getting better. I'm better. I'm not broken. I'm not damaged. I'm not -"<br/><i>"Worthless."</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	You can't erase Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> **WARNING:** The 'C' word is used in here! Also, I know absolutely jack squat about how depression works, so I might be off with that tag.
> 
> (I haven't watched or done anything Cry of Fear based since 2013, so some of this might be wrong...)

Simon stared down at the words that he'd scratched out earlier in a fit of frustration. Red ink covered the page, about two lines scribbled out into a clump of destruction. A piece of the page tore when Simon had pressed a little too hard, causing the page below to have a few letters of a word crossed out. He couldn't remember what had triggered this destruction, but Simon knew that he would have to find some tape to repair the damage to the page.  
  
He held the pen in a steadfast grip, unable to bring himself to put it down least he scratch out more.  
  
The doctors told him that keeping a journal would help calm him down and make coping easier. Organize his thoughts and see what progress he's made when he goes back to reread it. Show his therapist he's doing better and can get better.  
  
It doesn't help that the _ghost_ in his journal still haunts him to this day.  
  
The ghost that flows through each and every word, taunting him with what he could have had, what he had and what Simon will never deserve. Like Sophie.  
  
Sweet, generous, caring Sophie. He loved her so and yet he couldn't have her, not how he wanted. Simon wanted to hold her hand while walking down the street, go out to the theater to see the newest movie that came out and he wanted to kiss her as they stood on her doorstep. He wanted to date her, make her happy and give her everything that she could ever want.  
  
However, it was a pipe dream and he couldn't have her that way. But he still loved her even if they were to remain friends.  
  
Simon knew he should be bitter about it, feel as if his heart had been torn out and smashed to pieces, but he didn't. It hurt, but he knew that he still wanted Sophie in his life. She was amazing and Simon couldn't help but wonder what she thinks of him now. Especially after news got out of him shooting down the cops that came to his house and how there was no one else to take the blame for it.  
  
It's not like anyone would believe that he'd blacked out and had been fighting the monster in his own head. A grotesque, blood soaked version of himself that wanted everyone else to suffer for the 'wrongs' that happened to him. How it wanted to strangle him, clog up his thoughts with self-destruction, mutilate his skin and drown him in hate and depression.  
  
Being prosecuted and deemed mentally ill was probably the best outcome he could have asked for. Even if it frightened those he loved into thinking he was a loose canon. The fact he was sent to a mental hospital straight after felt like a blessing since Simon won't have to bear seeing the disappointment and fear in their eyes.  
  
He just wished that he wasn't so messed up after the accident and that it hadn't happened in the first place.  
  
If that car hadn't pinned him to the wall and crushed his legs, then maybe he would have finished school instead of dropping out. He wouldn't have been as angry or pushed everyone away when all they wanted to do was make the transition easier. He would have been finding a job, met a nice girl a couple years down the road and eventually starting a family of his own.  
  
Instead, Simon yelled at his mother and threw tantrums when he just couldn't take it anymore. He had scribbled in the 'book' his therapist had given him, writing ' _suicide_ ' over and over again. Blamed everything on everyone else, calling the accident 'the Black Day' and trying to avoid talking about it in general. He didn't trust anyone like he used too. Always thought they were making snide comments of how much of a fuck up he was behind his back. Pitying his mother for having such a failure as a son. Calling him a...  
  
_Cripple._  
  
Simon grit his teeth and threw the pen down on the desk as hard as he could. It bounced, hitting the wall and rolled once it fell back down. He covered his face and took deep, calming breaths. After a moment, he hunched over and clenched his jaw as he shook his head.  
  
_Broken._  
  
"Stop."  
  
_Damaged._  
  
Simon carded his fingers through his hair and placed his hands over his ears. "Stop, stop, stop." He opened his eyes and looked back at the journal, scanning over his entry for the day. Grounding himself. "I'm get...getting better. I'm better. I'm not broken. I'm not damaged. I'm not -"  
  
_"Worthless."_  
  
His heart raced and he sucked in a breath at the sensation of a hand on his shoulder. Simon slowly lowered his shaking hands, forcing himself to not look back as the hand tightened its hold to the point it hurt. He didn't need to look to know just _what_ was standing behind him.  
  
"You're not real." Simon grabbed hold of the armrests and reminded himself to just breathe. Focus on the now, on his steady progress, how his mom came to visit and told him that Sophie was going to see him next week. "You're _not real_."  
  
_"Is that what they tell you?"_  
  
The hand on his shoulder disappeared and Simon almost wanted to look and see just what kind of expression the ghost had. Just to know if he would have to struggle once more or if it simply left so he'd be alone again. Just as he was about to give in to the urge, Simon cried out as his hair was grabbed and yanked back. His back arched as he was pulled, directed to look into the monster's eyes and his breath hitched at the sadistic, bloodied smile.  
  
_"Well...that won't do."_  
  
It forced him down, the side of his face shoved against the desk and Simon squeezed his eyes shut as he reached up, trying to dislodge the iron grip on his hair. His head was lifted again, only to be slammed into the desk again. Again and again.  
  
At one point, Simon could taste the blood in his mouth and his head was _pounding_.  
  
"Stop! S-stop!"  
  
It craned his head back and draped itself over his back as Simon cocked his head to look at the deformed face that resembled his own in such a terrifying way. It stared at him, eyes roaming over his bruising cheek and bloody lip. Once it made eye contact with him again, the ghost hummed as it readjusted its hold on his hair.  
  
_"Silly boy. Don't you get it by now?"_ It tilted its head so they were face-to-face. _"I'll always be here whether you like it or not."_  
  
"Why?" He couldn't stop the tremor in his voice from showing and mentally cursed himself for being unable to do so. "Why won't you just disappear? I'm getting -"  
  
_"'better?' No."_ It shook its head. _"You're never going to get better. Now matter how hard you try, I'll never leave you. No matter how much you want me to and here's why..."_ The corner of its lip tugged up as it huffed a laugh. _"I'm you. No matter how much you deny it, I am you. And you can't get rid of yourself, now, can you, Simon?"_

**Author's Note:**

> As to how this came about, I was browsing Cry of Fear and ran into a [picture](https://pp.vk.me/c630722/v630722986/6201/SWIgjlAb_D8.jpg) while listening to Carnivore by Starset. But I can't, for the life of me, find the artist who drew this. So if someone could give me a hand, I'd be grateful.


End file.
